Jason Teague: A Smallville Retrospective

jason-teague-01More Jensen is always good, so I’m going to take a look at everyone’s favourite ex-football coach. While Jason was only on the show for one season, he did quite a lot: Getting threatened in the men’s shower, being fired for sleeping with a high school girl, ending up in Clark’s arms, travelling to China, getting tortured in China, and working as his mom’s lackey just to name a few of his adventures.

In the beginning, Jason was but a humble motorcycle crash victim in France until he met Lana, accidentally gave her a magic tattoo, and then followed her back to Smallville, where he got a job at her school, in order to make their relationship as creepy as possible.

Somehow, his mother had managed to set it up so that Jason had stumbled into an integral role in the scavenger hunt Jor-El had set up to get his son his very own Fortress of Solitude. This is the part where Jason had the once-in-a-lifetime chance to experience authentic Chinese torture techniques. Unfortunately this scavenger hunt later took a bad turn for Jason, as it involved centuries-old witches, which naturally led to Jason getting shot in the chest and falling off a cliff into some rapids, in the middle of a forest.

Luckily for Jason, years of playing football had left him with the ability to survive great falls and gunshots. Angry about his attempted murder, he then went after jason-teague-02who were as close to the opposite of those responsible as he could, Jonathan and Martha Kent. While wrestling for control of a gun with Jonathan, a meteor hit the Kent house. Both of the Kents (who were in the exact same room as the guy who can survive falls and gunshots) were perfectly fine, and Jason was assumed dead by a newspaper and never mentioned again until late season seven.

This means we can only speculate as to Jason’s true fate. I’d say odds are that Jonathan, post-meteor strike, beat the unkillable Jason to death with his bare hands, buried him in the cellar where they used to store Clark’s spaceship, and then either began rebuilding his house by hand, or had sex with Martha. Probably both. To this day nobody has found his body, as Clark has a strange predisposition to forgetting about that particular cellar (which is why his parents were able to successfully hide his spaceship there for over a decade without him finding it).

Thus ends the tale of the Jenseniest character Smallville has ever had, Jason Teague!

-Jerk

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~ by Jerk on November 24, 2008.

One Response to “Jason Teague: A Smallville Retrospective”

  1. I love the fact that all that searching and chinese torture and, well pretty much 7 seasons of the show could have been erassed if lex has just bothered to break open his fireplace a little sooner.

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