Tess Mercer – The Unluckiest Bitch Alive

tess1Tess ‘Mercy’ Mercer (stupid nickname by the way) walked onto our screens earlier this season to fill the huge void that Our Lord and Saviour Rosenbaum had left behind.   And while I think she’s done a pretty damn good job she fits right in with the rest of the Smallville characters, quickly filling her back story with the most ridiculous shit they can think of.

The first glimpse into her back story came in the least impressive episode so far this season where she was on some island with poison flowers watching her friends get shot with Ollie.  She’s some Marine biologist who taught herself to read in some shack in Louisiana.

803smallville0467Then she got into Harvard at 15.  Right, Doogie Howser.   She’s pimping around the oceans finding creatures with her now dead friend until the incident, falls in love with Ollie.  He’s a whore or you know, busy saving the world with his wicked sweet arrows and breaks her heart.  She gets so upset she’ll never get over it.

At the end of the last episode we see her say she loved Lex.  So somewhere after that she started working for Lex to get back at Ollie?  and fell in love with him while he was busy doing the Lana thing.  For a Genius he sure fails at women.    So she pops up in the Arctic and takes over for Lex while he’s losing weight and watching TV.  She also manages to make a paper her most important priority.  It’s gotta be hard to fill Lex’s shoes.

In some of the new trailers for next weeks return she takes on Lana while shouting about how Lex saved her life from some accident.   What the hell could have happened to her?  Growing up in some abusive family then almost dying on an island with the shirtless wonder wasn’t enough.  Something more happened to this woman before she randomly became the head of a multi-billion dollar company that lost both it’s figureheads in only a matter of months.   And why, out of the 150 room Luthor Mansion does she have to sleep in Lex’s bed?801smallville0053

Really, I ask you what’s left?  She was actually born to traveling circus clowns and now she’s got a terrible fear of elephants that will someday come in handy and save Clark’s big dumb alien ass.  She’s allergic to egg whites, brazil nuts and air.   Learnt as a girl scout to fly a helicopter and has webbed toes.  Her first kiss was with Mr Freeze and she’s beat all of the original Japanese Iron Chefs in the creamed corn battle.

This woman impresses the hell out of me but I’m not sure how much farther they can stretch her back story before it becomes the shows obvious fix-it tool.  Could this character last through a season 9?

-DoubleBitch

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~ by doublebitch on January 5, 2009.

5 Responses to “Tess Mercer – The Unluckiest Bitch Alive”

  1. She doesn’t have to sleep in his bed, but she likes it. It smells like bald.

    I just hope they stop giving her backstory, really. Keeping how she got to where she is mysterious is much better, just look at Wolverine.

    Also, Mercy is a stupid nickname, but so far we’ve only heard Ollie use it right? He does have a history of being kinda dopey.

  2. it smells like bald! dreamy sigh.

    Yeah but then they took it too far and gave her that No Mercy license plate.

  3. If Oliver is a whore, then Lois is perfect for him.

  4. But he’s just a whore in general, she’s specifically a superhero whore.

  5. maybe Lois just has higher standards then.. well everyone ever.

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